Anger is normal…
But it doesn’t have to run the show
One of the things I hear most often from women after separation is this:
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I’m just so angry all the time.”
Angry at their ex.
Angry at the situation.
Angry at how unfair it all feels.
And, maybe most of all, angry at themselves — for feeling this way at all.
But here’s the truth I always share with them:
💬 Anger is not a problem. It’s a message.
It’s your nervous system saying something mattered, and that something important was lost.
And in the context of separation? That could be trust. Safety. A dream. A future you’d built your life around.
Anger is part of grief (even if you didn’t expect it to be)
So often, women are believing they’ve skipped the “grief” part of the breakup — because they haven’t been sad or withdrawn. But they have been irritable, reactive, resentful, and snappy.
And that is grief. Specifically, the anger stage of what we call the loss cycle — a framework that helps explain the emotional rollercoaster we go through after a major change or loss.
The loss cycle includes:
Denial – “This isn’t really happening…”
Anger – “How dare they?”
Bargaining – “Maybe if I just try harder…”
Depression – “What’s the point of even trying?”
Acceptance – “It’s real… and I’ll be okay.”
The thing is — these aren’t linear steps. They don’t tick off like boxes.
Most people swing between them for weeks or months. Some feel all of them in a single day. And that’s completely normal.
Anger is valid — but it doesn’t have to take over
Here’s what I always say: anger is allowed to show up. It just doesn’t get to be in charge of your life.
When anger becomes the loudest voice in the room, it can start shaping how we speak to our kids, how we see our ex, how we trust others — and how we speak to ourselves.
It can harden us when we’re really craving softness.
It can push people away when we’re secretly desperate for support.
It can make us feel powerful on the outside, while we’re exhausted and overwhelmed on the inside.
So how do we honour anger without letting it run the show?
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but here are some gentle practices that have helped many of the women I support:
🌀 Name it without judging it. Saying “I feel angry” is a powerful first step — and it’s very different from “I am angry.”
🌀 Write it out. A journal, a letter you never send, or a note on your phone. Unfiltered. You don’t need to be ‘reasonable’ on the page.
🌀 Move your body. Anger is physical. A walk, a stomp, a dance, a few deep exhales — it helps your body release what your mind is holding.
🌀 Create a private ritual. Some women scream into a pillow, others hit a punching bag, others cry in the car. The method doesn’t matter — the release does.
🌀 Speak it aloud — to someone safe. Whether it’s a coach, a friend, or a therapist, having a witness to your truth is powerful.
You don’t need to fix it all today — you just need a safe place to begin
Anger is part of the healing journey. But it’s not the destination.
You’re allowed to feel it and still choose to be soft.
You’re allowed to be furious and still be a loving parent.
You’re allowed to feel rage and still want peace.
If you’re in the thick of this right now — I want you to know you’re not alone.
At Re-Charge, we’ve created safe spaces — through our coaching, retreats, and online courses — where you can unpack these emotions and begin to rebuild with clarity and compassion.
And we’ll never tell you to “just get over it.”
We’ll meet you where you are — with truth, tools, and tenderness.
You’ve got this. And we’ve got you.
Big Hugs,
Kerstin
🌿